Lay of the Land, Issue 2
June 13, 2006

Thanks to Stella’s training camp weekend in Deep River, the rumour mill is running full speed this month.

After spending the previous weekend holed up with her boyfriend and studying porn from XXX Adult Video, Becker has new ideas about how she wants to make a living. On the way down to the Deep, Becker announced her plans to quit Human Kinetics and become a sexologist. Maybe that explains why she was asking her teammates questions such as, “Who can swallow really fast?” and “Do you find that certain people are tighter than others?”

It seems that Em Chen has been making the rounds these days! After moving on from her Maxwell’s pick up, she’s admitted to spending her nights at home with a certain local artist who goes by the initials AK.

Not to be outdone by Chen, Red Dog made a play for the geriatric cabin owner. In her words: “It’s not about the age. It’s about the experience.” We figure Jamie’s experience more than makes up for her young age, because Red Dog seemed awfully fond of her as well.

Looks like our sources were right about Magoo. Her steroid-enhanced strength came in handy when her cabin-mates found an eight inch spider in one of the bedrooms. After Danger and Lindsay ran screaming from the room, Magoo wrestled the spider down the stairs and into the woods. We’re pretty sure that the spider is one of Magoo’s genetically engineered critters that escaped from the lab in Ottawa.

Mel V is still hard at work preparing for her wedding night. After mastering her dominatrix act a few weeks ago, she’s keeping limber for her man Moses.

Stella had a crash course in genital piercing courtesy of Dr. D, and learned a little too much information about Chowder—Sully seemed to know an awful lot about the difference between head and foreskin piercings. Sully also had one of the best quotes of the weekend. After hearing Sheriff hold that insanely long closing note in ‘When I’m With You’ Dr. D astutely noted that: “He’d make a good muff eater.”

But it was Anne Mercier who really stepped out of her shell and let it all hang loose. Here’s what we learned: Years ago, Anne ran away from home to train with the circus. Today she puts that training to use as a pole dancer, earning money for a much-needed pair of new cleats. At her high school’s year end awards ceremony, Anne won Ultimate MVP (“obviously,” as she says), Football MVP and Sports Personality of the Year, and was nominated for Athlete of the Year and Basketball MVP. At the after-party, Anne also won the car rallies, an event that she describes only as: “Lots of nudity and drinking.” Oh, and Anne can tie a cherry stem with her tongue. Not that innocent after all…  

Stella’s training camp weekend is best summed up by two of her rookies: 

Kate Crump: “Did we have porn?”
Sandra: “No, but we should have.”